True definition of Irony

So, I just realized there was an important part of our weekend last weekend that I didn't post about. Like I said before, Rusty and I had taken that Friday to just spend time, him and I. We had an awesome day riding around the base of the escudilla and coming out in Alpine. We stopped at Bear Wallow and got some pie and ice cream, and then headed back down through Nutrioso to where we parked the truck. It was a beautiful ride as you can see from the pics below. However, we both were sick. We had come down with a cold a few days before, and I had been feeling sick for about three weeks. I couldn't figure out what was going on. When we went riding with the Maldanado's, the dust made it to where I couldn't breathe. I was supposed to head to the Womens broadcast with my mom and sister, but wasn't able to so we met up at Boogas for some salsa to make my throat feel better. It didn't settle very well on my stomach though and it worried me. So, the next morning I had Rusty run to the store to pick up a few things that I thought maybe would make me feel better. This is one of the items he picked up......

And YES, WERE PREGNANT! We waited to tell everyone until we were sure we had a stong heart beat and all, and we do! It's definitley a human in the making! I had asked Rusty to pick up a test just in case. I knew I had/was taking a lot of medicine and just wanted to make sure. I had taken one three weeks earlier that was negative so I was sure it was nothing. Rusty and I have taken probably 30 of these things in the last two years. We have a definite routine that we do. I "do my thing" and set the test on the counter. I wash my hands, we wait for the appropriate time, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, we look at the test together. Rusty knows by this point that every neg test makes me a little sad. He begged me to wait until we got to the valley to take this but something inside me told me not to wait. So, this time, I "do my thing" and set it on the back of the toilet. As I was headed to wash my hands, I happened to glance at the test. I saw two blue lines but that didn't mean anything to me as I didn't know what a positive sign for this particular test was. I think to myself, "Oh, this one must need a positive sign in one of the windows to be positive." I wash my hands and grab the box to confirm what I already knew, that there was no chance I was pregnant. As it registers what positive is, I start to scream Rusty's name. I ran into the bedroom where he is laying on the bed (you can tell he didn't think we were pregnant either!), and I practically throw the test at him as I crumple on the floor and start to cry. I don't hear anything for a minute then "Wow". I look up and he has tears in his eyes! He tells me to come and lay down, and we lay there crying(me) and staring(him) for a while. One of the only things I remember Rusty saying was "There goes my boat!" Ha Ha! Later, I went to the car for the camera so we could take a pcture of the test for proof, and when I was walking back, Rusty was there on the porch, crying and he grabbed me and told me how excited he was. It was amazing! Really, we are soooo excited!

I do have to say though, it is ironic that I found out three days after I finally had the courage to talk about my feelings of our trouble getting pregnant. No, I didn't know when I posted "Our Story" that I was pregnant. I didn't do it for attention or anything of that nature. I knew I needed to work through my feelings of shame and saddness. I knew that there were other people out there going through the same trails as me. I also knew that someday, if I could have children, I might have daughters who fight this same fight, and I could show them that I truly know what it feels like. For all of those reasons, I wanted to document how I felt about this time is our lives. It was something that consummed me everyday. I think maybe that when Rusty and I made the decision to start fertility in January, I stopped thinking that it was possible for it to happen naturally for us. I don't know why Heavenly Father waited until now in our lives to bless us with this little one, but maybe it had to do with the fact that I stopped blaming myself and relaxed a little. I had finally given in to His will and said, "Thy will be done", because I knew I could not "make" myself whole without His help. All I know, is that I know He loves me and He loves Rusty. I know that for two years He has heard my prayers and pleadings. I also know, that I have come to know of His love for me NOT because He allowed me to be pregnant, but I learned this through the two years of trying to follow the counsel to be patient and the comfort that was given. It is not because I am pregnant that I know he wants me to be a mom, it's because I have been promised to be so. I knew that I could have been a mom through other means. I am so grateful for this little one who makes me sick everyday! In my worst of days of not feeling very good, I think of what it felt like every time I thought I could have been pregnant, took a test, and found out I wasn't. That makes all the nausea worth it! So, mark your calendars folks, there will be a new Wilkins in May!