OUR STORY

Ok, with much thought and......nervousness, I sit down to write this post. I am not nervous because I do not know the content of what I am writing about, but rather, I know it all to personally! I have started this post many a time but, have chosen to leave it among the unpublished for a plethora of reasons. One of the most important being, I hadn't talked with Rusty before writing it. So, after some inspiration and a month of craziness for my husband ("EMOTIONAL cleanup on isle three"), I asked Rusty what he thought of me writing about this. His response, "If you feel like you want to!" He is amazing ladies and gentleman, always willing if something will make me feel better! Rusty and I were married over three years ago in May. I waited patiently for this man who was supposed to be a cross between Mr. Darcy and Freddie Prince Jr. in "She's all that!" All the while I was hanging out with this guy who, quite frankly, irritated and excited the hell out of me! He knew everything about me, even those moments when he would show up at my house and my hair was tousled and makeup running down my face from sleep, just to take me to breakfast. He would call me everyday at 6:00pm sharp just to talk about our days. Then, all of a sudden, when he seemed so unavailable and in love with another, I feel in love with him! My cross of those "Hollywood beau's", was so much better than I had planned on! We had planned to NOT get pregnant for the first two years. This decision was not based on anything but the fact that we were best friends for over a year, and after our first kiss, were engaged two weeks later. We wanted time to get to know each other in the "non-friend" ways we hadn't yet! (Get your minds out of the gutters, I don't mean just that!) So, Rusty and I spent our first year and some, happy and content to spend time with one another, traveling, spending unbelievable amounts of money on Christmas presents, at sleepovers at other married couples houses, and just having fun. I got a call from my sister (who is 6 years my elder), she was pregnant! As she sat crying on the phone (oops #4 was a bit of a surprise), I heard through the sniffles and moans "I would feel better if you were pregnant with me, get pregnant RIGHT NOW!" I laughed, but inside something pricked me. Now, Rusty's side of the story would be that the only reason I decided to get off birth control was because of my sister, but tis not so! Of course the option to be pregnant with my only sister who, was absolutely having her last one, was definitely tempting, but my feeling were pricked that day. In some way, it was jealousy that she was pregnant. Hmmmm... I hadn't felt that before? So, Rusty and I began talking. I can remember the day very clearly, Nov. 26Th 2006 I stopped birth control. I was so nervous and excited! The thought that I could actually be a mother before next Thanksgiving made me giggle inside every time I thought about it. Of course I was nervous and didn't feel quite like I was ready to be a mom, but who really is READY? Isn't that one of those things that you achieve after all of your kids are grown and out of the house? That is when you are truly qualified isn't it? So, I patiently awaited my "monthly present"....it didn't come. Oh well I thought, my body just needs time. Well, three months went by and.....nothing. Five months went by......still nothing! After six months, I decided to see my GYN for a check up. I had done a lot of research and studies say it could take a year for my body to regain it's "normality". I go to the doctor, she does a simple physical exam and sends me off with a lab sheet. Thyroid for sure she said. Ok, I have a family history so I'll believe it, we will get this taken care of and presto, baby-making here I come! Well, my regular doctor received the results that showed I have a thyroid problem. His solution, "Maybe that's just normal for your body?".............blank stare from me..................Are you freakin serious? That makes no sense! So, after changing my records, I see another GYN who is said to be amazing with fertility. At this point, we hadn't been trying for a year yet, but what they hey! Most GYN's don't consider you for infertility until after a year. The GYN gets my results and IMMEDIATELY jumps on it. He also suspects I have PCOS, a condition contributing to infertility in women. So, a huge round of test, more blood work, ultrasounds etc. I finally was put on medication for the thyroid. The ultrasound shows cysts, but nothing that would cause this much disruption of my system. So, we await my second round of testing on my thyroid, and it's still not regulated. Another six weeks, and voila' my thyroid is within normal range. Well, that was the beginning of this year. As of yet, I still go three months without any regular period. My GYN looked at me and said "You are just going to be really hard to get pregnant!" Oh, well SWEET! So your telling me that I am the impenetrable castle? Great! So, the next option for me is some minimally invasive procedures that are too personal to explain. Now, the reason I tell personal and some not so personal friends about this is......I don't know! I have been reading the c jane blog (a button is on my blog), and she started her blog while going through five years of infertility challenges. I have started from the beginning and realize that the same need she had to work through her feelings...I have. It is not easy to describe to someone who is holding their 2,3,newborn, or five year old child, how it feels to be a failure to what you SHOULD be doing. It isn't easy to feel like you are that person who walks into church for the 3rd year in a row, without a child, and has a huge sign hanging on you that screams in big, bold, italicised letters "INFERTILE!" I do good most of the time. I love children, I love being around them and helping others with theirs. I do not shy away from new borns because it is too hard. In some ways, it helps me to think that maybe someday that might be me who watches my husband hold up our son or daughter so proudly after giving them a beautiful blessing. *Tear* But, I won't lie and say that Mother's Day doesn't make me want to bury my head in a toilet in the church bathroom. I won't lie and say that as I watch a pregnant women unknowingly stroke her swollen belly so lovingly, I don't ache to feel my baby move inside me as well. All description aside, it gets hard sometimes! I do however, feel peace that my Heavenly Father knows me! I know that He knows what is best for me. I may not always understand, and right now most definitely don't, but there is always reasons for why these things happen. I also realize that I am not alone in this fight. Many family members have struggled with miscarriages and trouble getting pregnant. I have watched them be really strong and faithful as they go through their trials. I am pitifully not as strong as them, as my husband can attest but would never admit to. At least once a month (week), he has to pick my feelings up off the floor! Thanks you Rust for being the most amazing husband! I love you! So, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not pity me. I have never desired in my life nor do I now to be the person that people pity and think is weak. That is not what this post is for. It is also not to make some "show" to prove how faithful and strong I am either. I am definitely not that right now. I am just a normal women struggling with the possibility of children. I am one of thousands who want so bad to be Mothers but, as we learned in Julie B Beck's talk, can all be mothers if we have a "Mother Heart." I take courage in the thought that I have not been told I CAN NOT bear my own children. Only that it might be more difficult. In a blessing I was given while going through some painful parts of this process, I was told to be "patient". I pray everyday that I can be more patient in waiting for my children to come to us. Afterall, I have been promised that it will be so. I just need to trust and hold on to the promises that Heavenly Father makes! Until then, I just get to think of and love the ones I don't know yet. Plus, I get to enjoy NOT having cramps every month! Beat that ya'll!