MY HEAVENLY DAYS!!!!! How many times do I have to tell my 11 month old "No, you CAN NOT play with the plunger", or "No, you CAN NOT suck on batteries!", or "No, you CAN NOT suck on the end of the Clorox spray cleaner!" Just kidding, I of course keep ALL harmful chemicals out of the reach of children :)
I am realizing that she has the divine right to think and act and do what she feels like doing. I am also realizing that I have the divine responsibility to tell her "NO!" I am not liking it very much. Neither is she for that matter.
I have had a break-down in the last few days. It's bound to happen now and again since I am not nearly as saint-ish as many other women in my life. You see, Rusty and I have a roof over our heads, are finally together as a family, and have had the opportunity to go and see some of the most amazing places, some of which I will post later. I should be filled with gratitude. Hmmm....yes I should be.
I had a break-down a few mornings ago. Brylee has been teething, I have been slaving over the computer for two and half months to find us a place to live, Rusty is stressed at work, and I have a load of other responsibilities going on. Rusty and I were discussing "excitedly" a topic that is in the front of my mind lately, and I got angry. I started to cry. But, see, I didn't WANT to cry. What I wanted to do was talk intelligently and make my point, but what ended up happening was me crying. This has happened a few times when I get angry enough that I cry. When it does, I am usually thinking to myself, "Stop crying you idiot! What's your problem? Use your words and show them you are right!!!"
Yet, every time, I am sitting there crying, sounding like a total blubbering woman. I am not entirely sure why this happens. My feelings aren't hurt, I don't use it as a tactic to turn the conversation in my favor, or to stop it at all. If anyone would like to psycho-analyze me I am sure they would find out. All I know is that it really frustrates my purpose of talking when I can't stop crying. Usually, the person I am talking to ends up feeling bad because I am crying and the conversation turns another way and by the end, I didn't get to say what I really wanted to.
When I started crying, it only took a few minutes and I noticed that Brylee had started to as well. As soon as I stopped my blubbering self and took a few breaths, she started to calm down too. I think I have been pawning off her fussiness, or her constantly being into everything she shouldn't, or her being so needy lately, on teething or her age. I think it's part of it, but I think she is reacting to what Rusty and I have been going through. Yesterday, I made a point of not doing anything for 2 hours but sitting and playing with her. We read books, sang songs, learned new ones, and drank her sippy while I just held her and hummed in her ear. That night, while I fixed dinner, she sat on her push toy and watched Einstein's so I could get it on the table fast. Usually she is at my feet crying and tugging on my leg or going to the one cabinet she knows she is not allowed in.
I don't anticipate a day anytime soon that life will slow down or become less stressful. In fact, I am sure I am in for a rude awakening when I add more little ones to this mess, but I need to find ways to make sure that it isn't unnecessarily affecting my children. Any ideas from you awesome moms out there? (Or Dad's if you would like to comment!) If you have any, send them my way...I am pretty sure my sweet Brylee needs them!
2 comments:
Oh Ash....sounds like you are doing a great job...I would give anything to be able to put my un-importanat to-do list out of my mind and play with my kids for 1 hour let alone 2. I know what your going through and it is so frustrating and sad. My mom just tells me to remember that they (my boys) could be in day care 5 days a week and that I can be thankful that I am home with them and in their presence even if I'm not always a perfect example. We are all progressing and if we stop progressing and learning then we are... well dead, so chin up and don't be so hard on yourself!
It's so funny, cause when I'm ready to pull my hair out and can't quite figure out why my kids are being so crazy, I stop and think of how much quality time I have spent with them in the last little bit. Thats when I usually realize that the other "good" things that are going on in my life are taking over the "best" things I could be doing with my kids! Life is crazy and it's hard to remember, but most of the time if I just take a little time to give them what they need then they are more willing to be good when I need them to. Sounds like you are doing just fine! Being a Mom is definetly trial and error! We miss you guys so much! I can't believe how big she looks! Can't wait to see ya! Good luck!
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